Jewish Mother to guess which one son is going to Marry

A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and
that he is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going
to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to
marry." The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits
them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay,
Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry." She immediately replies,
"The one on the right." "That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you
know? The Jewish mother replies, "I don't like her."

Bush Comes to Brooklyn - Vus titzuch

President Bush calls in the Head of the CIA and asks, How come the Jews know everything before we do?"

The CIA chief says, "The Jews have this expression :'Vus titzuch?'
The President says, "Hell, what's that mean?"

Well, Mr. President", replies the CIA chief, "It's a Yiddish expression which roughly translates to "what's happening". They just ask each other and they know everything."

The President decides to personally go undercover to determine if this is true. He gets dressed up as an Orthodox Jew (black hat, beard, long black coat) and is secretly flown in an unmarked plane to New York, picked up in an unmarked car, and dropped off in Brooklyn's most Jewish neighborhood.

Soon a little old man comes shuffling along. The President stops him and whispers, "Vus titzuch?"

The old guy whispers back: "Bush is in Brooklyn."

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.

Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we will may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.

An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did ve pay our charity pledge cheque to ze Beth Shalom Synagogue yet?"
"No, sveetheart," she responds.

Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did ve pay our United Jewish Appeal pledge?"
"Oiy, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send ze cheque," she says.

"Vun last ting, Esther. Did you remember to send ze check for the Synagogue Building Fund zis month," he asks? "Oiy, forgive me, Abe," begged Esther. "I didn't sent zat vun either."

Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest hug in 40 years.
Esther pulls away and asks him, " So, vy did you hug me?"

Abe answers, "They'll find us!"

Jewish Humor Joke - The Cow From Minsk

The only cow in a small town in Poland stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from Moscow for 2,000 rubles, or one from Minsk for 1,000 rubles. Being frugal, they bought the cow from Minsk.

The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.

The people were very upset and decided to ask their wise rabbi, what to do. They told the rabbi what was happening. "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward.

When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side."

The rabbi thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?"

The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they had gotten the cow. "You are truly a wise rabbi," they said.

"How did you know we got the cow from Minsk?"

The rabbi answered sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."

How to get your kids to come home for Pesach

An elderly man in Miami calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her father immediately and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back! , and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Passover and paying their own airfares."

Another Day in Shul

Two yiddesh peasants are in Shul and they are "davening "

But one of them is looking towards the ezras noshim, because he saw there a woman that is very attractive.

The other yid says :

Kuk nisht tzu di froien . Dafst davenen .
The other returns to the prayer , but after a while he looks back towards the woman.

His friend is mad at him , and says :
Kuk nisht tzu di froien . HAINT IZ YOM KIPPER!

Then the other answers :
Bai mir in di oizn iz haint SIMJES TOIRE!

Does marriage change one's personality?

"Does marriage change one's personality?" Greg asked his buddy Mike.

"In a way," says Mike. "You see, when I was engaged, I did most of the talking and she did most of the listening. When we just got married she did most of the talking and I did most of the listening. Now we both do most of the talking and the neighbors do all of the listening."

Sent to apple770 by Chabad of PH

SYNAGOGUE BULLETIN BLOOPERS

All the mistakes in spelling and typing were left in.
These announcements were found in shul newsletters and bulletins. Even spell check wouldn't have helped.

1. Don't let worry kill you. Let your synagogue help. Join us for our Oneg after services. Prayer and medication to follow. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our congregation.

2 For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

3. We are pleased to announce the birth of David Weiss, the sin of Rabbi and Mrs. Abe Weiss.

4. Thursday evening at 6:00, there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All women wishing to become Little Mothers please see the rabbi in his private study.

5. The ladies of Hadassah have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the basement on Tuesdays.

6. A bean supper will be held Wednesday evening in the community center. Music will follow.

7. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the JCC. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.

8. Rabbi is on vacation. Massages can be given to his secretary.

9. Goldblum will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

10. The Men's Club is warmly invited to the Oneg hosted by Hadassah. Refreshments will be served for a nominal feel.

11. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Rob, who are preparing for the girth of their first child.

12. We are taking up a collection to defray the cost of the new carpet in the sanctuary. All those wishing to do something on the carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.

13. If you enjoy sinning, the choir is looking for you!

14. The Associate Rabbi unveiled the synagogue's new fundraising campaign slogan this week: "I Upped My Pledge. Up Yours."

Chinese Jews

A Jewish man went to eat at a Chinese restaurant and started to wonder if there were any Chinese Jews.

So, when the waiter came over to take his order, he asked, "Pardon me, but I'd like to know if there are any Chinese Jews?"

The waiter said, "I don't know. I will go to the kitchen and ask manager."

After taking his order, the waiter went to the
kitchen and returned in a few minutes.

He explained to the man, "No. No Chinese Jews. We have orange Jews, tomato Jews, grape Jews, and pineapple Jews, but no Chinese Jews."